Tell me I can’t write bad sex, eh? Challenge accepted!
Title: We Are Not A-Mused
Challenge: Bad Sex
Team: Death Eaters
Length: 3 X 100+
Warnings: Baaaaad Sex, very, very baaaaaad sex
Author’s Notes: The usual suspects, no beta, no money, no shame…and yes, he does get a kick out of being in a cameo. This is his second one!
They fused to one another, their breath coming in short pants. More like hot pants.
Severus glanced up with suspicious eyes, then shrugged and bent down to the young woman in his arms.
“Oh, Severus,” she moaned, “Touch me!”
“Gladly, my goddess.”
“Never mind. Oh, you silly little chit, you taste wonderful!”
“Oh, that feels so good, Severus, but don’t call me chit. It’s just naff.”
He stared down at his amour, and with his eyes burning with desire, he tore open her bra, revealing her beautiful breasts.
“Oy!” she complained. “I paid a packet for this bra!”
“Oh, Severus, yes, Severus. Oh, there! Lick my pulsating norks until they pout!”
He raised his head and looked at her strangely. “Why are you talking that way?”
“Just shut up and do it!”
Their moans and cries rent the air. Hermione mewled, “Oh, Severus, your cock is so hot, it feels like it’s throbbing—”
“Yes, witch, sit on my throbbing cock!”
Hermione stopped dead. “Okay, what the hell is going on?”
Severus growled, “Why are you not moving? My throbbing cock is just—”
“Okay, Snape, give it a rest.”
They glowered into the darkness. “What’s going on?”
The bedroom door opened, and a man with dark hair and warm eyes came in, carrying grocery bags. “Sorry I’m late. I ran some errands and I…” His voice died when faced with the murderous scowls of the two naked people. “Oh, dear. What’s wrong?”
Severus indicated over the man’s shoulder. “Teddy’s been writing smut—by herself. Again! It’s putrid. The woman’s a menace, Dahlra.”
Hermione pleaded, “Teddy, promise you won’t put us in bed together unless Dahlra’s here, alright?”
Dahlra turned to Teddy. “Promise, dear?”
At her sheepish nod, he smiled. “Good.” He turned to the couple. “Now, where were you?”